Wednesday, August 3, 2011

April 2006

Friday, April 21, 2006
Hello God, I want a Do-Over -- Is That Possible - - In Life you only get 1 chance
I have some understanding of your nature and your Love. I want to talk to You. I'd like to ask you to listen to me. and if it be your will, correct me in your way.
It is true we are born only once, and we don't get the luxury of choosing our own parents. We accept our family members and through he years the memories and the Good somehow outweigh the hurts, disappointments and the dreaded Bad. Sometime it takes years, sometime forever.

The bad never really seems to go away. I have been trying to unload my baggage ( and others baggage) over the years and claim freedom from the hurts, sleepless nights, constant vigilence and the pain that life brings. Youm remember the crying and the begging.

I have given a lot of this to you God . I felt I had done well - for a time. Things were going well and life was more or less managable. Certainly not perfect, but tolerable. Old stuff started creeping back in and I have allowed my seething underlying anger to return.

I have been thinking andcpraying hard about this recently and I believe this is a result of 2 things 1) my frustration and resentment over unmet expectations I have on others ( probably unrealistic) and 2 ) my not being able to perform, remedy and improve.

I do feel I have the right to my opinions and I do , like other humans, have feelings and that is a fact. My feelings whatever they are, where ever they come from are real and should not be discounted or disregarded.

Am I not entitled to my feelings? I think NOT. I have often heard that it is NOT HEALTHY to stuff ones' feelings. I stuff it and eventually reach my saturation point .

God, help me. !! I feel so a l o n e . Don't let me be alone. In pray for Peace and Love and Understanding. God, if you can forgive me, why can't others? It seems the grudge and the "ancient" past is thrown back in my face . It brings me down. It takes me where I do not want to go. I can't speak.

Am I allowed to have boundaries? Others have Boundaries ! Expectations !
Why Can't I Have Boundaries and Expectations?
Why can't I Run Away, like those that run from me?

I suppose, the reason I feel so alone is that my anger has caused the most important people in my life to run away from me.

What is left for me?
Help me God-- I know you know my heart,
I know you have heard my prayer petitions for my family and loved ones.
My meditation time with you is important. I want to stay in that "place"
tuned in to you and your Son.

Old me needs to die, God. take me away.

God, My family thinks I am a phoney. Help me to know whart to say and how to get through.

Bless my family and keep them safe.

Forgive me, show me the way. About that do-over??



Posted by Michael at Friday, April 21, 2006 1 comments Links to this post
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The Band Tightens - about to SNAP

I've been feeling pretty kruddy lately emotionally and physically.

There is so much pain and anguish going on in our lives right now.

We pray and we ask for knowledge of God's will for our lives and what direction He wants us to go. I am doing more things WRONG than right. Trying to maintain Faith.

I am a sinner, I know that and GOD knows it. I have asked to be forgiven.
I have behaved badly and NOY lioke the person God wants me to be.

The depression, the "being out of control" of Jeannies illness and so many other things.

I miss the children and find myself Worrying about them, ALL of them. EACH of them - That includes my grandchildren that know me very little and none at all. J - Katie - Kristie, Becca, John, Andrew and Will and , of course our graduating MHS Senior AMANDA.

then, John being on active duty in the type of duty he is performing.
It hurts, it hurts sooooooo much.

I can only carry so much, then I break !! I must not be tuned in.

Amanda has taken Jeannie to her Dr appointment tonight.

Will is spending the week ( or most of it ) with his Grandparents in Marietta.
Callaway Gardens yesterday, and Zoo today - tomorrow they're going fishing.
He was supposed to go th Louisiana this week, but because of me. He's not going.

He's not going because I became ill last week
1 Gall stone and 2 Kidney stones -
Last Monday 3/27 I was driving to work - I barely made it to the office and
911 was called and I went to the Emergency Room. Paramedics first thought symptoms were a burst appendix. Not so,
CAT scan showed 2 kidney stones too large to pass. Dr put a stint in and determined I had a serious kidney infection and the surgery was impossible until infection cleared. I was in constant pain for as few days and came home. I go back to the Hospital for the LITHOTRIPSY and stint removal on Monday the tenth. The Dr wouldn't release me because of the infection and antibiotics. I couldn't drive with the medication I am on.

I talked to Will Friday afternoon, thinking they were leaving for Louisiana on Saturday. He told me he wasn't going. I asked "Why Not, son" ? All he said was "BECAUSE OF YOU!!"

Right now, I am between surgeries. I did a Pre-op yesterday for Mondays' surgery.

I was conscious enough Friaday to request my Dr to see me for a check up for the infection and to schedule the LITHOTRIPSY. I told the Drs office to send that information to my work place as a matter in information etc ....

If I had to give advice about work: I would tell you "NEVER work for anyone that has never had a family or children." They just don't seem to get it.
That's enough
Posted by Michael at Wednesday, April 05, 2006 1 comments Links to this post
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Alpharetta, Georgia, United States
Lairdcliffe,Trout Fishing (Tallulah River-Chattahoochee River), North Georgia Mountains, Camp Rainey Mtn, Scouting, Stephen's Ministry, NGTD70, Kalalau Lookout(NaPali Coast Kauai), Snorkelling in the Pacific. Slow Dancing to a nice saxophone! Music of Barbara, Rosie, Ronnie and Martha. Bette with the Bangs. Glenbrook. Movies. Tracking Down Good Old Friends.

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